love is sweet, love is waking up to a smiling face and a kiss every morning, love is putting the other before yourself, love is sending a message from work just to tell you i miss you, love doesn’t care if there’s a pile of dishes left in sink when you get home from work, love never gives up, love is not perfect but tries so hard to be just for you, love would give anything for you, love keeps every single letter you ever wrote, love is a hug just when you needed it most, love would never hurt you, love doesn’t care that you wear their clothes all the time, love surprises you by bringing home taco bell for lunch for you, love is not selfish, love holds you tight when you’re scared, love thinks you look beautiful when you wake up in the morning and are a wreck, love is not rough, love appreciates all the little things you do, love sacrifices for you, love lets you take control of the radio cuz you don’t like the same music, love wants the best things for you, love finds a new job just cuz they don’t wanna be away from you for that long at a time, love is not prideful, love apologizes when they’re wrong, love pushes you out of the way just so they can open the door for you, love lets you bite them even though it hurts, love gives you back rubs when your back hurts, love doesn’t mind that you cost so much to feed, love doesn’t mind when you have bad breath in the morning, love is okay with the fact that you rearranged half of the house when you moved in, love takes care of you and makes you feel better when you’re sick, love listens to what you have to say, love lends a shoulder to cry on, love lets you win the slug-bug game cuz you want to, love thinks the world of you, love doesn’t care when your fat sticks slightly out the top of your pants and you don’t have that great of a body, but still thinks you’re gorgeous, love always cheers you up when you’re down, love thinks its great that you’re a big goof, love is everything you dreamt of when you were little and would dream of the love you would one day have.

“Families”

5.12.05

I don’t understand why you had to be this way.

Things were fine until yesterday.

You’re so quick to betray.

Real families don’t treat each other this way.

You want me to share how I feel with you.

But when I talk, look what you do.

Look at the damage you’ve done.

I have a feeling this has only just begun.

This war isn’t pretend, it’s so very real.

You never cared about the way I feel.

When I’m around you I feel the worst.

I bottle up emotions inside until I can’t help but burst.

People tell me they can tell I hurt just by looking in my eyes.

So much for my wonderful disguise.

I guess I’ve worn it for too long.

I don’t know where things went so wrong.

All the words you say cut like a knife.

I only wish you wouldn’t try to control my life.

I’m tired of living in chains.

It’s time I take hold of the reigns.

I hate you so much for doing this to me.

If only, if only you could see.

“I Wish I Could Stop Wishing”

2.8.05

It seems like all my life consists of are wishes, empty wishes, wishes that just don’t seem to be coming true. It only brings me down. I wish I didn’t have to wish.

I wish my life wasn’t like this.

I wish I wasn’t torn between two places, two so called “families.”

I wish I had somewhere to call home.

I wish I wasn’t treated like a five year old by my so called “family.”

I wish they weren’t always trying to protect me from the lessons I need to learn.

I wish I had friends, people to talk to that understood.

I wish I wasn’t stuck here.

I wish I didn’t feel trapped, caged, and chained.

I wish I could get away.

I wish I could close my eyes and just disappear, never to return again.

I wish so much that I wasn’t here anymore.

I wish I didn’t have all this pain.

I wish I could put an end to it all right now, but can’t for the sake of hurting someone else.

I wish I didn’t care so much.

I wish someone could save me from this somehow, but they can’t… I’m too far down.

I wish I didn’t have to wish.

“Not My Home”

1.3.05

My life is so hectic now that they’ve completely wrecked it.

They may have won this battle, but the war’s not over yet, cuz now I’m your biggest threat.

It was wrong for you to change my life when I’m stuck in it without a choice, now I get sick just at the sound of your voice.

You’ve got me feelin’ so paranoid, these feelings I only wish I could avoid.

But I’m not giving in. I’m gonna make you taste just what you been doin’ to me. Then maybe you’ll see just how I wanted things to be, and why it means so much to me.

Surely you can see all my pain bleeding out through my eyes, as it washes away whats left of my disguise.

You need to remember this is my life you’re interfering with too. So you should take that into consideration with everything you do.

Too long I’ve watched my life go down and not done anything about it, and it happens more than I’d like to admit.

I cant wait to be free and put all this anger and pain behind me. Once I’m gone, I’m gone, and you ain’t gonna be able to find me.

Once I’m gone, I’m never coming back to this place, I wont ever want to see your face.

They say home is where the heart is, but that ain’t here, not where I have to live in so much fear.

Not where people don’t care about how I feel and act like my feelings aren’t real.

Not where people ignore me and act like I’m not there. Not with people who just don’t care.

This is not my home, cuz here I’ve always been alone.

“For Now”

12.24.04

“For now…” words that have rung in my ears over the night and into today. Words that make me wonder if they’re a warning sign and if i should pay attention to all the little red flags that went up when the words, “for now” were said. But I don’t want to believe its true. I don’t wanna believe that I’m only good enough “for now” until the next best comes along to take everything I’ve been waiting for for so long away from me and then all the time I spent hoping that “for now” would last was a waste of my time. Cuz “for now” I’m good enough cuz there’s no one else, but when someone else comes along..I’ll be gone. I don’t mean to sounds mean..I’m not being mean, I’m just scared, those words scare me. “For now” kept replaying over and over in my head last night. I tried to block it out, but every time I’d look at the lines of light on my wall shining through the window..it only made me think of you and how you have them on your wall too. And that thought of you only led to the thought of “for now.” I was up forever trying to figure out just what those words are supposed to mean. But when I’d finally fall asleep I’d wake up about an hour later, see the lines on the wall, and “for now” was right there ..back in my head to haunt me again. I don’t wanna be just only “for now” so if you’re planning on something going on you better tell me and tell me now…I want to get this hurt over with now..

“Silent Screams”

11.23.04

I wish they’d stop screwin’ with my head, all the fake promises and lies I’ve been fed. All the blood that I have bled, I hope they know they’re the reason, they’re responsible for the blood that I have shed. At night I lay in my bed and all my fears creep back into my head, making me wish that i was dead.

So much wasted time that I can’t replace, tears of pain runnin’ down the side of my face. How did I ever end up in this place? I’m tired of living with so much fear, I’m tired of losing all that i hold dear. I wish there was someone to wipe away all these tears. I wish there was someone who could hear, hear my silent screams.

It seems like time is crawling, I wish you were here to catch me when I’m falling. I wish you could hear me when I call, because its you that I need most of all. I’m shaking in my skin, shaking. They just think that I’m faking, condemning me for all the mistakes that I’m making. Shaking in my skin, wondering how did all this ever begin?

So much wasted time that I can’t replace, tears of pain runnin’ down the side of my face. How did I ever end up in this place? I’m tired of living with so much fear, I’m tired of losing all that I hold dear. I wish there was someone to wipe away all these tears. I wish there was someone who could hear, hear my silent screams.

Everyday’s always the same, they play with my life like it’s just a game. It’s like they don’t even care, they don’t care how bad they’re screwing things up for me. How can’t they see? Can’t they see they’re only hurting me? Am I missing something or is this just how life is supposed to be?

So much wasted time that I can’t replace, tears of pain runnin’ down the side of my face. How did I ever end up in this place? I’m tired of living with so much fear, I’m tired of losing all that I hold dear. I wish there was someone to wipe away all these tears. I wish there was someone who could hear, hear my silent screams.

I’ve wasted so much time and it can’t be replaced. Tears of joy runnin’ down the side of my face. Run to you, and in your arms be embraced. Looking back at all the years that I’ve been chased, and it hurts that they can’t be erased, but there’s nothing they can do now to keep me in this place.

So much wasted time that I can’t replace, tears of pain runnin’ down the side of my face. How did I ever end up in this place? I’m tired of living with so much fear, I’m tired of losing all that I hold dear. I wish there was someone to wipe away all these tears. I wish there was someone who could hear, hear my silent screams.

Hear my silent screams.

“Blind Feelings”
11.14.04

I’ve thought about this all day, and I’m sorry I have to be this way.

But as far as feelings go, I’ve never been one to let them show.

I really wish you knew, I try my hardest to explain to you.

But what I want to say never really comes out the right way.

I know you don’t understand it at all, but I really need you to catch me when I fall.

I’m trying with all my might, but things just don’t seen to be going right.

This pain is just too real, I’m tired of feeling the way I feel.

Seems like you just don’t care anymore, things weren’t like this before.

Feels like someones ripped out my heart, I should have seen it coming from the start.

Should have known it was too good to be true, I mean, come one…this is you.

You’re everything a girl could ask for, a guy any girl would adore.

I was blind to think you would actually fall in love with me, I cant believe I couldn’t see.

“Unfair”

10.25.04

I finally talked to you, just like I needed to.

And now I can see, you’re still in love with me.

I’m sorry for being so blind, all the thoughts were mixed up in my mind.

I’m sorry for doing what I promised not to do, I’, sorry I hurt me, I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’ll try not to think those things anymore, all those thoughts I abhor.

All these years I’ve spent waiting, I’m so close now, I’d be a fool to give up now.

I wish it would hurry, all my memories of you are getting blurry.

I’m tired of waiting, everything is fading.

But I know the vest things in life are worth waiting for, so I’ll do my best to hold on a little more.

I hate having to say, “Goodbye” to you, I hate having to miss you.

All the lonely nights I’ve spent crying and scared, wishing for someone who cared.

I just want to be saved from this hell, surely there’s someone who can hear my cries for help.

I’m tired of feeling so alone, I wish someone would rescue me from this place they call “home.”

I’m so sick of being here, trapped living in fear, I wish I could just disappear.

Everyone else gets to go out and fall in love, but that’s what they think I need to “protected” of.

I wish I could be there, this just doesn’t seem fair.

“Alone”

10.23.04

Seems like everything is going wrong, why does time have to take so long? I’m dying to live in a world I belong.

But lately you haven’t been the same, some of the things you say are driving me insane.

But now that I think about it, maybe I’m the reason for this pain, maybe I’m the one to blame.

How do I know if this love that I feel is really real?

I don’t know if I should hold on to you, I just don’t know what to do.

Everyone tells me I’m not your only one, that you have me just for fun.

I don’t want to believe that it’s true, so I keep making up excuses for you.

I’m trying to make things work with all my might, but something doesn’t seem quite right.

Scared and alone, crying these tears that can’t condone.

I’m tired of being here, I’m tired of living in fear.

“Do You Know?”

8.31.04

Do you know how much I love you?

Do you know I’d give my life for yours?

Do you know you are my life?

Do you know you’re the only person my heart adores?

Do you know you’re the first thing I think about when I wake up?

Do you know how undeserving I am of you?

Do you know how happy you make me?

Do you know I’d follow wherever you lead?

Do you know how your voice makes me smile?

Do you know you give me butterflies in my stomach every time I see you?

Do you know how glad I am you chose me?

Do you know how scared and lost I’d be without you?

Do you know the touch of your hand sends chills up my spine?

Do you know that just talking to you makes my day go from bad to good?

Do you know you seem to make all my problems disappear?

Do you know how much I look forward to being with you?

Do you know you’re my bestfriend?

Do you know I’ll do whatever you ask me to do?

Do you know I’ll always love you?

Do you know I’m a better person because of you?

Do you know I’ll always be here for you?

Do you know how much I need you in my life?

Do you know how lucky I am to have you in my life?

Did you know I loved you this much?